my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
