Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
