If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
