I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
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We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
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You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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