I just cut my nipple shaving
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
