hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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