I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
