I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
