Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
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