I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
