My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
