did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
