My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
