ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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