the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
