she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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