ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
