That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
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What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
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I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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