My hair reeks of homosexuality.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I look excited, but its just a facade.