I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
