Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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