I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
