Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
