the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
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I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
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God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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