I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
