My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How external is "for external use only"?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
