just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
