walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Can you bring me the toilet please
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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