Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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