Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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