I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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