we made out on top of his cat.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
