I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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