life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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