I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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