FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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