Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
