So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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