I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
