just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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