Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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