I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
