i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Randomize
