thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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