i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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