Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
