She is in my trunk
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
