I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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