I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
