Kiss
Puke
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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