He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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