Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
