she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
