i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
