Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
