I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
