I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm passing your future prison.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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