I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
