Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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